Not a Hissy Fit

I am the most grounded stray cat you'd find on the street these days. I purr as much as I shiver outside, mostly alone. Sometimes I'm lonely & also friendly enough to let someone walking by to give me a quick pet. But I mostly just watch the people pass these days, and take in every kind smile I'm lucky enough to have cast my way. I'm fascinated with those who wheel by on bikes at quick speeds, and wonder what it'd be like to have legs like that & feel the wind against my face & through my hair.

Cats of my kind generally sleep 19 hours a day. Me? I have slept a handful of hours in the past four days. It's getting harder & harder to sleep, though I'm exhausted, inside & out, and my eyes are tired-looking/puffy as shit.

A lot of stress. A lot of confusion. And I really wouldn't mind feeling respected from time to time.

I am the most grounded stray cat you'd find on the street these days. I purr as much as I shiver outside, mostly alone. Sometimes I'm lonely, but also friendly enough to let someone walking by to give me a quick pet. But I mostly just watch the people pass these days, and take in every kind smile I'm lucky enough to have cast my way. I'm fascinated with those who wheel by on bikes at quick speeds, and wonder what it'd be like to have legs like that & feel the wind against my face & through my hair.

Kitten is young enough to not realize all of these fucked up things & I hope to get sleep soon to be sure to continue to hold everything together for her. I've been a stray for too long. I want to learn how to see the world from a small kittens eyes. But just knowing she sees good magic every day, somehow, makes me feel lucky & also in wonder, just being near Kitten.

I have two loves with the same name. I have another with a more unique body & name. I know them a little. But sometimes it's just hard to care/invest.

I like my old, ratty box. I like the scenery of the dirty streets & bicycle wheels going 'round & 'round.

Glory? I purr when I'm sad. I lick my paw & scratch my head when my tail is wounded. Because why the hell would I focus on a wound or a broken heart, leg, or the fact that I am an abandoned cat? I'll tell you what kind of cat I am... I'm a street cat. An alley cat. And if I were a human, I'd be a warrior.

-Puss in Boots

What the hell is going on?

I started reading this:
http://tinybuddha.com/blog/embracing-the-moment-when-it-sucks-dealing-with-death/
and began zoning out.

I zone all the freaking time!

I need to go back and read that article. And actually READ it.

I don't think I can accept it yet. Or only accept it in a weird way. A way that is happy and laid back. I don't want to embrace it fully. I have a hold on it. But if I can't even read the short article above.... that can't be right.

I don't really know what to do.  I am preventing myself from breaking, I guess... I think...

He's just still here.

I don't know how to process this, honestly.

Is he here or is he gone..... both.... right??

How can I process this when I don't understand it? How can I understand it if I refuse to fully process it? How could I fucking process this?! I'm a mere human being. :(

In the Zone. Hardcore.

This is all so unreal. Happening so fast. Going on two hours of sleep doesn't help, but I am glad I got two hours in.

I'm so zoney. Stay with it.

I've never missed a flight before. I missed my flight and I was right next to the gate. In my defense, I hate this airport... It is huge, crazy, and confusing. I guess it would make sense that I would hate George Bush's airport.

My brain is mush. I am tired.

Tony is gone but not gone.

It's times like these where I start to question reality.

Well, hopefully I make this standby flight. T-minus 2.5 hours. I hope there's a spot for me......

speechless. more words from other people.

Jane's Addiction nailed it in two words: "Nothing's Shocking."

Fiona Apple puts it more plainly: "Oh well."

Wisdom Words.

You are so beautiful. You're like the hottest woman ever. But then, when I got to know you, it was just like whoa... I didn't expect someone who looks the way you do to have such a real personality. You're funny, smart, and you're complex, but that's because you're so deep. You are awesome. You are the coolest, most beautiful person ever, and you are my best friend. I am so happy to have you in my life. Just know that you deserve the best. Someone out there is going to be so lucky to have you one day. There is someone out there who will "get" you & who will love you for all that you are. You shouldn't ever get depressed, but I understand why you do. You are amazing.

I have been really down lately. My best friend Tony called me tonight and told me all of the above and more. It was exactly what I needed to hear, and so nice that it made me cry in a very good way. I feel so much better. He is right. I just have to be me and do my own thing. In my dad's words, "If someone doesn't want you, then why would you want them? Screw 'em. You're better than that."

I had a reality check tonight, based off of my best friend's kind words. Tony knows me better than anyone else. He has been my best friend for a solid six years. If he knows me inside and out and can say this to me, then I believe him. Thank you for the MUCH needed self-esteem boost, Tony.

It means so much to me, and I want to remember all of it, so I had to write it down. I decided to write it here for anyone else who may stumble upon this who might need a boost as well.

If someone doesn't want to be with you, don't throw yourself at them. Have self-respect and self-confidence and know that if things are meant to be, they will be. Keep living life with your head up. That is how you will find the one for you, if that person exists. Kicking yourself and crying all of the time solves nothing and just keeps you stuck in your depression. Have your cry, and move on in the best/healthiest way possible. If something is meant to be, if the feelings are strong on both ends, then it will be.

If you're "stuck" in a relationship that you're not happy in, or you don't feel appreciated, or whatever, know that you actually are not "stuck." You are free! Welcome to 'merica! Find someone who appreciates you the way you deserve to be. And until then, leave your current situation. Because you are strong and you can do it.

Whatever the case may be...

Be strong. Stay strong. Give yourself some credit, because you are wonderful, smart, and beautiful in your own unique way. Life is hard. Keep your head up. The sky is often way nicer to look at than the ground.

Love & HAPPINESS,
Mandy