What the hell is going on?

I started reading this:
http://tinybuddha.com/blog/embracing-the-moment-when-it-sucks-dealing-with-death/
and began zoning out.

I zone all the freaking time!

I need to go back and read that article. And actually READ it.

I don't think I can accept it yet. Or only accept it in a weird way. A way that is happy and laid back. I don't want to embrace it fully. I have a hold on it. But if I can't even read the short article above.... that can't be right.

I don't really know what to do.  I am preventing myself from breaking, I guess... I think...

He's just still here.

I don't know how to process this, honestly.

Is he here or is he gone..... both.... right??

How can I process this when I don't understand it? How can I understand it if I refuse to fully process it? How could I fucking process this?! I'm a mere human being. :(